What is happening to me? I can't seem to know who I am right now. What I knew before was I just wanted to voice out my sentiments so I wouldn't hurt myself again. The lenient, patient and kind me that everybody knows was gone. People have expected too much from me pressuring me to maintain that reputation. Even my boyfriend loved me for that. And because there was a struggle deep inside me to be vocal about my feelings, I started to hurt the people I loved. The goody me became the mean me. Yes, I was able to divert the urge to hurt myself to being a vocal or rather impulsive, tactless individual, but it's emotionally torturing me, knowing that the person I loved distant himself away from me because of that. He can't accept the change.I've hurt him. I've became the unfaithful girlfriend because of my impulsiveness and careless thinking, selfishness and insensitivity. Now that I realized all my faults and wants to get back to him and start anew, I guess it is too late. I've caused him pain and there is no way I could bring back those happy times we had together. He now rejected my plead for another chance and drove me away from him. It hurts to know that he wanted to forget me and wants to start a new life without me.
Don't I have the right to change and pay for the things I made? It hurts but it is the consequence of my wrong doing. I just wanted the easiest way out of this dilemma. I hope God would give me enough courage to resist this temptation. I hope there will be another chance for both of us.
*Photo by ~ImmaculateMurder of deviantart.
1 comments on "It's Hard to Let Go..."
Reading your post reminds me of my past. I've done with what you're going through right now, though we're in different situations, yet still it is called break up and it really hurts.
From your other blog, I have also read your mother's words. She's right. "If he comes back, good for you; if not, then just accept it." For sure, God has better plan for you.
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